god (Photo credit: the|G|™)
There is a knot in my gut that never seems to go away anymore. The stress and fear never go away either. I walk quickly between classes, keeping my head down, eyes averted, hoping against hope that just this once they won’t notice me. hey won’T be waiting. Lurking. I still limp from when they broke my legs. Both of them at the same time. It still hurts so much. An accident. And those bullies just stared dead at me with smirks on their faces because they knew I would be too much of a coward to say otherwise. I try really hard not to use the bathroom all day, not drinking at all because going into the restrooms holds its own particular kind of hell if they catch me there. I can’t concentrate. My grades are slipping. I am slipping. In my mind I still hear all the kids laughing at me as they call me names, trip me, hit me, and whatever else they can think to do to me. They call me “homo,” and “moron,” and “loser” and worse. They pushed my face into a toilet at school right after one of them had used it. They pushed my face right into their mess and then high-fived each other and laughed as I cried and puked my guts out. I awaken each morning from my nightmares which are still kinder than my daily reality. I slide from nightmare to waking daymare to nightmare to waking daymare in an endless circuitous prison. Whoever coined, “TGIF,” had no idea what it is really like when Friday marks the only respite in my life from constant terror and humiliation. I live for weekends and vacations, but a dark cloud always looms larger and larger the closer the day comes when I must return to school. My mom complains about me spending more and more time alone in my room. It has become my haven that guards my secret torment. It harbors my secret tears of rage and shame. I weep in a silent scream into my pillow as my mind turns constantly over the same tracks of self-dialogue relentlessly beating and crashing against my soul.
“I can’t take it anymore! I hate them! Why do they have to keep picking on me? Why can’t they leave me alone? Because I am a big loser! I’m a loser just like they say. I am a fat, ugly, stupid loser!” I rock with the pain moving to some ancient, wailing rhythm from a siren of destruction only I can hear. I am slipping further and further inside myself, retreating from this world into a place of lost reality and agony from which one day I will not be able to return. ”I hate myself! I hate myself! I am such a waste of space! I wish I was dead! I can’t do this anymore! I can’t go back! God, don’t let my mom find out! Oh, I am so ashamed! I am such a wimp; I can’t make them stop! I just want to die! Just let me die, God! Please. I want to die.”My world grows darker each day as I struggle to hang on until one day, I just can’t take it anymore. I take all their hate and turn it in on myself with all the rage I have slowly, silently, lethally felt building deep below the surface.
Then everyone will ask, “How could we not have known how bad it was? We missed all the signs. Everything seemed okay. I looked like I was handling things ok. How could I do it? Why didn’t we help? Why didn’t we realize?”